Ups and downs

This post has been rolling around in my brain for quite some time.

Funny how it works like that for me.

I am a contemplator.  I, typically, need to mull things over in my mind before really understanding them.  I mean big things... life things... hurts and disappointment things...

Last year was rocky for us.  We had our ups and downs but looking back... we had a lot of downs. 

I have Crohn's disease.  I've had it for over 20 years now and have managed it fairly well.

Until last year. 

My GI doctor is great but I'd be happier if I didn't need to see him quite so frequently.

We tried medicine and then had to totally change direction.

I got blood drawn and the results meant more medicine was added to my regimine.  And changed.  And added some more. 

I've never been great about taking medicine because I'd rather not.  But now, I don't really have a choice. 

One of the many lessons I've learned (loud and clear) is that my life is not mine. 

I don't have the option of taking medicine or not.  About going to the doctor or not.  About getting yet another colonoscopy or not. 

My life is not mine anymore. 

I have a wonderful, caring husband and a beautiful little girl.

My family needs me and I need to be healthy.  For me but also for them. 

This lesson has come with many tears because it has also meant decisions had to be made.  Hard decisions. 

Really hard.

But God is good and loving and faithful and I know that His plan is WAY better than my own. 

I cling tight to Habakkuk 3:17 - 18....

Though the fig tree does not bud

and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails

and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will REJOICE in the Lord,

I will be JOYFUL in God my SAVIOR.

 

In the footnotes of my Bible it says about this passage that Habakkuk's feelings were not controlled by the events around him but by faith in God's ability to give him strength... Take your eyes off your difficulties and look to God.

 

Learning lessons.  Certainly not lesson learned.  Yet.

 

Just last night during our community group it struck me that my relationship with God is a two way street. 

 

It isn't all about me getting closer to God but it's also about God drawing me closer to Him.

 

This isn't a new concept but last night it resonated with my soul.  With my heart. 

 

"... and how I carried you on eagles' wings and brought you to Myself.  Now if you obey Me fully and keep My covenant, then out of all nations you will be My treasured possession."  Exodus 19:4b - 5

 

I am God's treasured possession.  He carries me... even when it feels the weight of the world is on my shoulders.  He brings me to Himself... because He loves me and for no other reason.  I am His and He loves me.

 

Focus less on the downs and more on the ups... like God's love for me... the God of my salvation.

 

They are totally worth every pill, every procedure, every shot, every appointment.

Less of me... more of God.